Marks & Spencer

This isn’t just food…this is M&S food!

At least, this is what we were told for months on end, the advert drove the Matron round the bend, particularly when I said the voice was all sexy and mysterious. Talking about my darling wife, a few days ago I decided to have a day off from being the objectionable and demanding husband – it’s true, I promise you!

The Idiot’s Lantern (ie TV) had been plugging us for weeks about all this cordon bleu £10 job at Parc Trostre’s M&S (why we chose there is a mystery to me) – the truth is, somebody had bought me a multi-coloured rugby shirt for Christmas and I was taking it into M&S to get the money back. Rugby? Multi-coloured? Not me at all. Getting into ruck’s and sniffing other men’s backsides has never  been my style, apart from anything else, I’m a starched collar and double-cuff man myself.

Anyway, I cashed in the rugby shirt ie I was given a credit note and sauntered around for a few minutes wondering what to do next. As you know, ’shopping’ is not really my thing and frankly, I just get thoroughly confused with all the sparkling floors, shiny chrome clothes rails and sales assistants who look as if they’d do anything to work for John Lewis and have a slice of the action at the same time – I tried buying some sexy lady’s underwear in there once, that was an experience, believe me. I nearly started wearing the stuff myself, the assistant was so convincing. The Matron kept checking my drawers for months afterwards too!

So, pants or socks seemed the only way out of my M&S credit note nightmare. Off I went, looking here and there, hither and thither, when all of a sudden the Matron popped into my head. Why not do something all loving and appreciative for once, thinks I? Why not say ‘I love you’ without the words?

Inspiration struck! An M&S £10 supper for two! Different, imaginative, romantic, all for £10! This will put a smile on the wife’s face, I thought.

The following evening, I prepared a dining table fit for a Royal feast. Pukka table cloth, best cutlery (even proper fish knives!), candles, the works.

Guess what? The fish oozed spinach, which the Matron hates, the chips had crinkled passed their sell-by date, the wine was dismally mediocre and the cherries in the pudding, were a definite no-go area.

Now you know why, I don’t ‘do’ shopping and why I’ll never try and get on to a Mr & Mrs TV Show.

And to hell with a M&S £10 dinner for two!