Japanese Knotweed! Star Column 18.12.13

Those who are always nipping off to B&Q looking for things that will enhance the beauty of their look-alike hanging gardens of Babylon, will be more than familiar with this Japanese scourge of green fingers throughout the land.

This particular plant is the nightmare of every gardener both here and beyond.

Anyway, recently these cheeky Triffids decided to take up residence in the matron’s garden, that’s the missus by the way and she is really a matron God help me! Now the matron wasn’t haven’t any of this, so orders were duly given to get rid of the Triffids sharpish. Not so easy, these Japanese boyos are notoriously difficult to eradicate – not that the matron cares about this, orders is orders and that’s that. Husband beating nights Fridays and Saturdays, you get my drift.

So what do I do? Council must be the first port of call thinks I, environment office. I give them a ring and they tell me that the police now deal with Knotweed removal. I’m being serious here, promise. The police? Now I know they are experts at scoffing donuts and custard slices during traffic duties at roundabouts but removing pesky plants, this was a new one.

Still wondering if the Council were taking the micky, I rang the police anyway, nothing ventured nothing gained etc etc.
“I’ve got Japanese Knotweed growing in my garden, coming from the land next to us and I’ve been told by the Council to get in touch. You lot are the Knotweed busters of Dyfed Powys police apparently.”
There was silence on the other end of the line for a few moments. Then came the reply,
“Growing illegal drugs are they, your neighbours?”

What?! Illegal drugs?! I’ll leave you the readers to work out my reaction but one thing I can tell you, for God’s sakes don’t go near the old Bill if your garden pots get nicked, they’ll have you up on drug trafficking charges!

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