Naturally, being a Welshman myself (although half my lot came from Monmouthshire, before a sly late night vote in Parliament annexed it to Wales in 1972), I speak Welsh, adding ‘io’ to every English word usually does the trick eg busio, parkio, fish and chipsio.
Seriously, I am a non-Welsh speaking Taffy, one of 83% of Welsh people living in Wales. I should mention here that out of the 17% odd who actually speak the language, only about 2% can read and write it – oh and never ask a South Walian to speak Welsh to a North Walian, neither will know what the hell the other is on about. To be fair though, Taffy-speak has reached more exotic places than Patagonia. On a recent visit to Turkey, I noticed a grub vendor selling ‘Kumru’ and a Turkish car hire firm named ‘Rento’!
Of course the Taffy Taliban would have you believe that the Welsh language rules the Taffy waves, as indeed was the case when I recently declared on the Jeremy Vine Show that the language is in ‘decline and dying’, according to the last Census anyway. Not that the nasal Plaid Cymru (translated, the Army of Home Rulers, as if it could mean anything else?) MP from North Wales Elfyn Llwyd, would have any of it. Poor fellow nearly had an apoplectic fit when I dared to suggest that the lingo was on its way out – God knows how he would have reacted, if I’d stated that the Mabinogion was a load of unreadable tripe and Owen Glendower was in fact gay!
Anyway I would just like to state, for the record and once and for all, that English is the first language of Wales not Welsh. The bi-lingual signs and railway Welsh speak confuse most Welsh people as much as they do visitors to the principality, believe me.
So, how has all this come about?
Well the obvious answer must be, that the broad-minded and English-speaking majority in Wales have allowed themselves to be emasculated and trodden on by an extremist and sometimes vicious Welsh language minority, intent on forcing everyone in Wales to speak Welsh, whilst at the same time creating a primitive and backward Welsh language Caliphate (hints of R. S. Thomas here I think), separate from the rest of the UK and relying on water from the valleys to sustain its bucolic nirvana of independent bliss – either water or Europe, according to the Gnats there’s no difference either way, if you can work that one out?
You folk from across the Severn Bridge must have noticed how post-devolution English has changed. How the less than tin-pot leisure centre in Cardiff Bay has become a ‘Government’. How Wales is now a ‘country’, a sovereign state in its own right. And the Welsh media, particularly the nationalist BBC ap Wales, are the main offenders in promoting this self-serving delusion.
Wales, a country? It wouldn’t last five seconds without the English tax-payer.
A Welsh ‘Government’? The Assembly of small town councillors who have to be told how to sit and dress and have just put in a bulk order with Fyffes Bananas to make sure they are suitably wittled at elevenses, a government? I’m not even going to go into their Polyester ties, short-sleeved shirts and Asda suits! Only a couple of months ago, at a one to one meeting with an AM, I mentioned the fact of rampant nepotism at BBC ap Wales. The response? And I quote, ‘Don’t you dare mention Betsan Powys to me, her parents taught my kids!’ The fellow was outraged at my impertinence. Such is the political acumen and sophistication of ‘Old Labour’ politics in Wales. God knows how he would have reacted if I’d said Trotsky was a lush!
To conclude then, I can fully understand why serious political circles in the rest of the country view Wales as an irrelevance. Many of you might even be thinking ‘Give the buggers Devo-Max and have done with it! We can all have a good laugh and see what happens when the Welsh try to stand on their own two feet and speak Welsh to the rest of the world!’
The thing is, it’s you ‘buggers’ who’ll be paying for it all!