Do indulge me here, but for Denplan reasons I was obliged to visit my dentist who practises down this dark alleyway in Cardiff. A back street tooth doc if you like – I still have to reach for the Platinum Plastic though every time he drills me with his toothy smile.
Anyway, Dafydd Islwyn is his name and he’s gay. Now, I have been known to make a passing reference or two to gayboys, you know the fact that I’m starting to feel a little unfashionable by being of a heterosexual inclination, but be that as it may, back to our Islwyn.
So, he’s poked around for a few minutes, sprayed a bit of Pledge here and there, smiled at his nurse Donna Heather Mills (I’m not kidding, although I did notice that she walked with a slight limp), and then tells me that all is well and that I can bugger off until the next £150.00 is due.
‘Oh and before you go, Julian,’ says he, ‘I might have something of interest for you.’
Can’t imagine what thinks I, unless it’s a new set of teeth.
Next thing he pulls out a catalogue from beneath the chair of torture.
‘Look here,’ he enthuses.’I thought these would be right up your street. They’re bloody great, trust me.’ I peered over his shoulder and allowed my eyes to follow his dental fingertips. ‘They’re the very latest and so incredibly convenient.’
He was pointing at an orange coloured pair of backless pants on offer in some gay mag!
Well….I mean.I’m not gay but these days it seems I ought to be. I’ll be thinking twice before he has me prostrate and defenceless in his chair again though I can tell you. I still haven’t forgotten the occasion when he said in those dulcet Welsh tones of his, ‘Now don’t worry I’m just going to put this in your mouth……..’ Scared the hell out of me!
PS Islwyn the Tooth Mechanic has just been on the blower. Apparently his proper name is ‘Dafydd ‘ap’ Islwyn’. I always thought ‘aps’ had something to do with iPads and Blackberrys, shows how much I know!